New Beginnings & Birthday Revelations

So, I'm feeling good today.  Even though I'm weighing in at 99.6 pounds, which is exactly 2.2 pounds heavier than I was two days ago, I am remaining optimistic.  Something I noticed this morning which I'm sure a psychotherapist would jump all over is that my eating disorder vascillates between both Ana and Mia.  (That's not the interesting part.)  I am primarily Ana, severely restricting my caloric intake.  However, I notice that the Mia part of me kicks in once I lose a substantial amount of weight and reach the lowest I've been up to that point.  Then, I get so hungry that I will binge and then either purge, abuse laxatives, take diet pills, or exercise vigorously (although I'm having trouble doing that lately because every five minutes I'm running to the lavatory to relieve myself as a result of taking ten laxatives over the course of the past couple of days).  Anyway, I'm remaining optimistic because I realize that this is my body's pattern.  I will lose steadily, restrict, and reach an all-time low, then I will binge and gain anywhere from 2-5 pounds.  Then I will restrict again and start the cycle anew and lose even more and reach a new all time low.  Therefore, being 99.6 now, I can anticipate that over the course of the next week, I will plummet even lower than the 97.4 pounds I was the other day.  The interesting part of all of this that I was referring to earlier, is that when I am in the Mia state of my disorder, my home environment reflects my chaotic state.  My apartment will be messy with things everywhere and nothing is pristine or orderly or where it should be.  It as though my physical environment reflects the tossing back up of my feasting.  However, when I reinstate my Ana way of thinking, I start by cleaning.  For example, this morning the first thing I did was clean my entire apartment.  Vaccuum, sweep, run the dishwasher (with only five dishes in it), clean my bathroom, dust, hang up and put away my clothes, make my bed, windex, etc.  The point is that my outward environment is reflective of my inward state of mind and which pendulum of my eating disorder I happen to be swinging toward.  The fact that my physical environment is ordered and clean and pristine and controlled once more is making me feel happy and back in control.  If only I can exercise!  Maybe a little later, but for now, my stomach is still upset.  Sigh.

P.S.  Happy Birthday to Me!  :)