A Cautionary Word

Greetings,

I wanted to briefly state my purpose in creating this blog before you commence reading. I did not design this page nor do I post these trite and nonsensical ramblings of a girl who's losing her mind, surpringly quickly I may add, in order to advocate eating disorders of any variety. I make no apologies for my candid yet humble outpourings of a troubled soul; I attempt to make enough amends with myself and loved ones daily. Rather, the confines of my brain are simply becoming too small to contain the vast amounts of thoughts that crop up daily. Thus, I write in an attempt to save whatever remnant of sanity remains within me. I write to alleviate the pressure that has become unbearable to keep encapsulated. And I write for those of you who understand the struggle and interpret my words as your own.

Best,
xHungerFeedsx

Monday, October 31, 2011

"Two Months or 20 Pounds, No Matter What"

It's been about a month, a little over, since I last wrote.  If you want to know the truth, I've been so utterly embarrased to write.  Over the course of the past month, each week begins with resolve and determination and ends in defeat.  Each week begins with a new meal plan to follow that quickly gets discarded and replaced for another.  The cycle has ensued now for many weeks and each week I am fatter than the one previous.  I am weighing in at 110 pounds, up from 96....cringe.  I feel as though I've let myself down and my followers.  It is pathetic...I haven't weighed this much since last summer.  I think I got so caught up in being perfect by following whatever new meal plan I created and so discouraged when I failed and didn't adhere to it, that those feelings of defeatism led to hopelesness and me just eating and eating and eating.  I don't know what has happened to me.  And I'm sorry...to myself and to you.  What a farce I am.  A pathetic, hopeless farce.
Each week has followed the same routine for me.  Monday and Tuesday I eat completely healthy and stick to around 500 calories or under.  I lose weight, I feel good.  Wednesday hits and starvation kicks in and the incessant thoughts about food.  So I go over my caloric limit for the day, but still only consume "safe" foods.  Then Thursday hits and I've gained a little weight as a result of going over my caloric limit the day before and I get the hopeless, fuck it all mentality, go to the store, buy binge foods and binge Thursday.  Then I still have left over food in the house and I polish it off Friday.  Then Saturday and Sunday the weekend hits and I'm lonely and bored and so I go out and binge and binge and binge some more.  Sometimes I vomit, sometimes I don't.  Then I am so disgusted in myself that I avow the next week will be different, but then it starts all over again.  I can't resist the urges to binge anymore, and I can't resist the incessant thoughts of food running through my head.  The only way to stop it is to indulge and feed the voice to shut it up, to pacify it.  But then it begins roaring again even louder or another voice kicks in, the voice that tells me what a fat gluttinous slob I am.
I need to realize that no matter what I do or what food plan I create and resolve to follow, the cravings and incessant thoughts about food will never stop.  I must choose to stop giving in and listening.  I think I set myself these ridiculously high expectations to follow and when I can't be perfect at them and meet them flawlessly, I get so depressed and disapointed in myself that I use food as comfort and it's a horrible cycle.  I must ease up on myself a bit and I think success will follow in a weird sort of way. 
I am so glad it is a new month because I feel as though this can be a fresh start for me, and I mean it this time.  I have no other choice.  My "plan," if you will, is this...
Monday through Friday I can eat whatever combination of "safe" foods I want (eliminates the pressure of sticking to a strict meal plan) as long as I don't exceed 500 calories.  Typically, I tend to skip breakfast anyway and eat the same fat free cottage cucumber wrap for lunch with carrot sticks and mustard for a snack.  So all that really changes is dinner which is usually soup or steamed vegetables, etc.  If the cravings set in, I've decided that rather than binge eat, I will binge drink.  If I replace food with wine and drink until I pass out, it's at least better than ingesting all that food and all those excess calories.  The weekends are still tricky for me, but I think I will either drink to avoid bingeing or allow myself fat free frozen yogurt and/or fat free cereal.  Those are really the things I crave anyway.  I've also eased up on exercise.  Rather than doing DVDs and/or going to the gym, I think I will start doing calisthentics in my room at night like jumping jacks, squats, lunges, and crunches.  I will also allow myself "cheats" like if I go home and my parents have made dinner or if my sister wants to go for sushi or salads.  I just have to make smart choices and not over eat.  That's what I really need to focus on more than anything...the bingeing and not doing it.
This morning, I consumed a cup of Quaker squares cereal with skim milk, black coffee, a bannana, and some nuts.  I think I'm going to try to avoid eating for the rest of the day or strictly eat something healthy later on.  Also, I have a doctor's appointment this Friday and I am petrified for the weigh in.  I have to lose weight before then!  I figure I won't eat all day Friday leading up to my appointment.  Anyway, I figure if I can follow this plan through until the end of the month, I can get back down to about 100 and then my goal is to be around 90-95 by New Years.  Two months or 20 pounds, no matter what!
Another motivating factor for me is that wasting all my money on food on top of paying rent and for gas and my bills has put me into debt.  My mom was kind enought to pay off the last of a loan I had taken out, and for that alone I CANNOT binge.  How can I be so selfish to put myself back into debt by spending money I don't have on disgusting food?  No way.  That right there in and of itself is motivation me to stop wasting money on junk.  Besides, I am so fucking sick of the grocery store and eating, I don't care if I ever do either ever again.  I'm feeling confident I can really succeed this time.  I'm not feeling guilty about breakfast this morning...I just have to be careful the rest of the day.  And I feel pretty confident about this week.  I didn't have work this Monday, so Tuesday will be like Monday and Wednesday like Tuesday which I'm always perfect on anyway.  And I have that doctor's appointment Friday which will motivate me to be good Thursday and Friday.  And then this weekend I am going home and I REFUSE to binge.  I'll eat healthy dinners my mom prepares and that's about it.  Believe in me...someone please believe in me.