Death by Consumption

     I am hopeless.  Utterly pathetic.  I starved and shat my way down to 101.3 pounds from 105.5 last night.  I was doing so good.  That is until I got out of bed and laid down in front of the television to watch a movie.  I had the inclination I should not have gotten out of bed.  That I should have just gone to sleep.  I made myself a bowl of popcorn.  Told myself I'd done so good, that it was a Saturday night, I was watching a movie, there's only 45 calories in popcorn, I hadn't eaten all day, and that I was 101.  I could easily lose another pound or two by Monday morning if I didn't eat again tomorrow.  But the popcorn turned into a lollipop turned into a creamsicle turned into a piece of cheese turned into me driving to McDonalds for a McFlurry (the icecream machines were down...my sign to turn around and go home but I didn't).  I ended up at Wendy's buying an Oreo parfait which turned into CVS buying cookies and candy bars and ding dongs and bingeing again and eating more laxatives.  I can't take this anymore.  I refuse to eat a stitch tomorrow or Monday.  I just can't.  I must fast at least two days and shit as much as I can.  I will start my new eating plan on Tuesday.  There's no way I'm going to be 96.9 pounds by Wednesday now.  But I'm hoping by the end of this week at least.  I am such a greedy slob.  I wasn't even hungry.  I didn't even want to binge.  Why do I keep doing it then?  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I am so scared I am losing what little self-control I had left.  I threw away everything in the trash, even if I had just bought it and didn't finish eating it.  I threw away all the take-out menus in my house.  I must avoid driving to restaurants, fast food chains, and 24-hour mini-marts.  I've done everything I know how to do to ensure this doesn't keep happening.  Not keeping trigger foods in the house, throwing away take-out menus.  I'm weighing in at 104.3.  I figure hopefully I can get back down to 101.3 again by tomorrow night.  Then maybe 99-100 by Tuesday morning.  I just don't know what to say anymore, what to think or do.  I am so disgusted in myself.  I feel the fat, see it.  I'm disgusted I even swallow all that sugar and junk, that I allow it into my body.  I cannot wait until Monday so I can get back to work and start a fresh week.  That's my problem, as soon as I fuck up I feel as though the week is already blown and I might as well just keep going.  That's why I'm hoping if I can just fast at least tomorrow and hopefully Monday as well (depending on how I feel at work), that I can start a fresh week this week and be off to a good start and not mess up, and hopefully that will prevent me from doing this again.  I can't do this anymore.  I need to embrace the hunger, the anorexia.  I must bid farewell to this slovenly greed.  That is what's killing me.