A Cautionary Word

Greetings,

I wanted to briefly state my purpose in creating this blog before you commence reading. I did not design this page nor do I post these trite and nonsensical ramblings of a girl who's losing her mind, surpringly quickly I may add, in order to advocate eating disorders of any variety. I make no apologies for my candid yet humble outpourings of a troubled soul; I attempt to make enough amends with myself and loved ones daily. Rather, the confines of my brain are simply becoming too small to contain the vast amounts of thoughts that crop up daily. Thus, I write in an attempt to save whatever remnant of sanity remains within me. I write to alleviate the pressure that has become unbearable to keep encapsulated. And I write for those of you who understand the struggle and interpret my words as your own.

Best,
xHungerFeedsx

Friday, June 21, 2013

Back Again

And so I'm back again.  I've been mainly healthy for the past year - "recovered" if you will.  Able to eat without breaking into a cold sweat and howling about how much I despise myself.  I'm not quite sure what's changed all that; it's like a flip gets switched and suddenly I'm "sick" again.  Ironically, I have noticed that I fall into sickness around the same time of year each year, and that usually it is triggered by an uncanny amount of stress and pressure in my life, non-related to food or weight.  The particular round of stress that plunged me headlong into weight loss paranoia was, of course, the same old frenzied demands of my job and inhumane work-load...that is, until I found out I was losing my job.  Terminated.  Let go. Three years of harried dedication, committment and devotion, sacrifices of health and spirit, kapootz but "nothing personal."  For so long, my identity has been wound so tightly around my job, that it was almost like suffereing an identity crisis.  Perhaps that's what sucked me further through the looking glass, cocooning myself inside the protective casing of glass surfaces, cushioned by the predicatable, fall-back identity of "sick." 
     To be honest, I've been dealing with the emotional, psychological and physical fall out of being fired for the first time ever in my life, since starting work at the age of 13, that I really don't feel much like discussing it.  The real reason I popped on here and the central idea of this post is to welcome myself back and put in writing, a contract of sorts, if you will, that I will be beginning a no-holds-barred (is that how you spell that?) attack on my flesh.  Summer is here, a new season, a new beginning, a new life, a time to re-invent myself with the same old invention.  I am embracing my anorexia once more.  I have lost approximately 20lbs over the course of the past four to five months, but have noticed myself eating voraciously this past week.  It's almost as though I subconsciously, perhaps consciously, know I won't be allowed food for very much longer and go on the blind, rageful binge which only further perpertuates my desire to stop eating.  So here is my welcome back and my committment to lose...we'll give myself the reasonable goal of 10lbs - get down to a solid 100, and take it from there. Wish me luck.