Go Figure

Woke up this morning at approximately 7:30am.  Did an exercise DVD in my living room.  Showered, put in a load of laundry, left a message on the therapist's voicemail inquiring whether she accepted my health insurance, and left for a Weight Watchers meeting.  I started WW around February of this year and followed it dilligently for a few months.  However, starting around June, I stopped following the program altogether.  I switched from counting points to counting calories to counting calories and fat grams to counting the numbers on the scale and simply not eating.  I would occasionally go just for the weigh ins as I did not fully trust my scale at home and needed a "second opinion" so to speak.  Eventually, I stopped going to weigh in as well.  Every time I went, the team leaders would encourage me to gain a little and get on a maintenance plan.  They would birage me with questions about my diet and exercise regiments and what I was doing exactly to lose so much weight so fast and on a continual basis.  It got to the point where I got so annoyed and uncomfortable just walking through the door and facing the jealous looks of other members and the concerned and curious ones of the staff that I ended up shelling out $40 a month for absolutely nothing.  After not having gone to weigh in for at least a month, I decided to weigh in one last time today and then cancel my membership for good.  Before leaving my house this morning, I weighed in at 99.9 pounds.  Not as good as the 99.1 pounds I weighed in at on Saturday morning, and I shudder to think where I would be if I had not over done it at dinner Saturday night and eaten that Ramen noodle soup Sunday afternoon.  The lady was quite hesitant to weigh me in and seemed visibly nervous to do so.  She did not tell me how much I lost or what I weighed and quietly snuck my "ticket" into my book and slid it back to me.  "How tall are you?" she asked.  "5'2" I replied.  After looking at her magic "this is how much every woman in the world your height should weigh" chart, she told me that I was underweight and far below where I should be and where the program would legally allow me to be.  Der.  I told her I had come to cancel my membership and there was no need to kick me out...I was leaving of my own volition.  She lightly suggested I should get some help for what I was clearly going through.  "Do you have any resources available to me?" I inquired.  Of course they didn't.  They get you on a program to lose weight, suck you into the neurosis of counting numbers and keeping a mental and physical tally of everything you put in your mouth on a continual basis, encourage you to lose, lose, lose, and then drop you like a hot potato and "Bon Voyage, deary!" when you've become too thin for comfort.  She told me I was adorable and tsk'd out what a shame it was and asked what she could do to help.  I already asked her the question that could have helped me and the answer was a no.  I dialed the 1-800 number she gave me to call in order to cancel my membership and the receptionist, without my prompting, refunded me the money I had paid the previous month to put towards getting myself some help.  Well ladies, learned a tip here.  If you ever need to cancel a membership for any reason, just state it's due to a medical reason and maybe you'll get your money back!  ;)

After running several errands and chores all day, I wound up at the grocery store.  I probably spent an hour in there and half of what I left with were paper products.  I actually love grocery stores, as tempting as they are.  Some girls love shoe shopping and department stores.  I happen to love "window shopping" through the aisles of your local Market Basket.  I purchased the following to last me over the course of the next month:  a bag of cabbage, a can of vegetable chop suey, Quaker rice cakes, a package of peas, summer squash, fat free cottage cheese, low carb lavash wraps, apples, a cucumber, popcorn, water, sugar free jello, sugar free orange marmalade, wasabi crackers, light yogurt, and two packages of dessert gum.  Already in my fridge can be found low sodium tomato juice, baby food, apple sauce, tuna fish, shrimp, diet soda, light soup, sugar free cookies (just in case), rotting salad, mustard, balsamic vinegar, fat free cheese, sugar free popsicles, vegan Boca burgers, and chicken jerkey dog treats (don't ask).  I ended up consuming a couple bites of rotting salad from a week ago, a low sodium Quaker rice cake smeared with sugar free orange marmalade (put the yogurt I took out back into the fridge), two sugar free cookies, and two sticks of sugar free dessert gum.  I then drove myself into work to get a few things done and prepared for the next day.  Returned home, finished my laundry, and while waiting for my boyfriend to come over spoke with the eating disorder specialist on the telephone.  She of course does not accept my health insurance plan and referred me to an eating disorder hospital to receive an initial evaluation at which point my level of care will be determined.  Sounds fun.  My boyfriend and I ended up going to Applebees where I ordered a chicken caesar salad with no croutons, no cheese, and no dressing.  I took a few bites and packaged the rest.  Now, when my boyfriend sees me eating two bites after knowing I have not eaten all day, do you think he says anything?  Why of course not.  When he purposely runs his hands up and down my back and feels my bones protruding through my jean jacket, do you think he says anything?  Why of course not.  When I cry on the floor in my moments of lucidity that I am scared, what does he do?  Why, he passes out drunk on the couch of course!  Great support system put in place here people!  My sister ended up sending me a birage of text messages that night which threw me into a deep depression although that wasn't her intent.  She was yet another person in my life to express her profound worry and concern for me and voiced it so beautifully and candidly, I just couldn't take it and broke down.  Truth is, I am scared.  I'm scared to get well because I know deep down I'm not ready yet (when will I be?), and I'm scared to get more sick.   I am caught in this murky no-man's land in between sanity and insanity.  Sometimes I can feel myself being pulled in both directions and literally think my heart will burst from the pressure of it all.

I woke up the following day (today) wrapped in wool socks, a fleece blanket, sweat pants, and sweatshirt.  Did I mention I was freezing?  Did I also mention it's August?  As my boyfriend showered, I had an inclination to check his cell phone.  I've gotten this incessant feeling as of late that something is just not right.  Now, I know a lot of what hasn't been right is me.  My eating disorder has robbed me of my joy, my personality, and my selflessness.  I know I am a nuisance.  Thus, it is obvious to me what I've done to contribute to this alteration in his regard for me and don't really blame him for tiring of me.  However, I felt there was something deeper.  Something more to it than just me.  Regardless of someone's issues, if you love and care about them enough, you bond closer to the person, not push yourself further away.  In his list of recent calls, I found that one had recently been made to his ex-girlfriend who he had, months prior, told me he no longer was in contact with despite her telling me he was and that he had expressed sentiments and sent messages to her which the content of would not be approved by me.  I confronted him on this this morning and yet again he denied having spoken with her and said the phone call was simply a question pertaining to a motorcycle.  As I probed and questioned him further about his involvement and communication with her, he became increasingly stony and silent.  A dead give away to me that something was going on...the likes of which he would not share nor be honest with me about.  He had no defense and simply lied through his teeth.  Lucky for me, I had saved her number into my phone and gave her a ring later that day (after sleeping for a few more hours, weighing in at exactly 99 pounds, taking three diet pills, scheduling an appointment for an evaluation at the eating disorders hospital, and going for a jog).  She confided in me that he in fact does try contacting her on a regular basis, telling her he misses her and doesn't understand why the two of them still can't be friends.  Interesting.  She said she had moved on from him, and even though she still regards his person with fondness, she has a new man in her life and has moven on to happier and better times.  She also expressed that he has his own issues on which he needs to work.  Uhuh.

So I called him and left a voicemail stating I had just spoken to his ex and she had told me the truth.  I told him that all this time I had been carrying around the burden and weight of guilt that my own issues were getting in the way of us having something real and wonderful, that it was solely me who had contributed to the deterioration of our once happy romance.  But come to find out, he had stopped trying, he had given up.  Not solely because of me, but because he had been lying.  Because he had been keeping secrets about a part of his heart that still belonged to someone else.  He called me back and we spoke on the phone (he didn't see the point in discussing this face-to-face).  He said he was right, that he had lied.  That he had never cheated on me, but that he had contacted her and lied to me about it all this time.  He said it was never his intention to get back together with her or hook up with her, that he is not in love with her and doesn't miss her "in that way."  However, we all know where it would have led had she recipricated the sentiment.  He said he had given up and was no longer into me.  He said he thought it best we broke up as well.  Thus, in short, the one person who I thought I had in this world, who was here to support me unconditionally, who would never betray or lie or abandon me, did just that.  Perfect timing too, a few days before my birthday and when I'm in the throes of an eating disorder that partially developed from a fear of abandoment and inadequacy in the first place.  A part of me likes to think after spending some time apart and giving him the space to realize what a wonderful girl I am and how much he's missed me, and maybe after spending some time unimpeded to myself to either get better or worse, we'll reunite.  But then a part of me asks why I'd want to anyway after being lied to, betrayed, and dumped a few days before my birthday with a meek "sorry."  It's a good thing starvation numbs your ability to feel at times, because right now I feel nothing but utter vacancy.  A silent, throbbing numbness.  In a way I feel a sense of relief.  I can focus on myself and where I want to go with this thing, I can focus on my work, and I won't have to worry about making time for someone else or failing to make someone else happy.  In a way it's liberating.  But in another way, it is so hurtful and painful to witness the demise of yet another relationship in my life and feel that stabbing pain of not measuring up to some invisible standard.  I'm trying not to get too upset about the secrecy and lying and betrayal, as I have a few skeletons in my own closet to which he is unaware and to which I purposely subjected myself to in the case of this exact dilemna.  I know the book, "He's Just Not That Into You" would tell me to drop the bastard like a hot potato and never look back.  But I suppose only time will tell.  I am increasingly astounded at how men can be so cold and unfeeling in times like these.  How they can lie straight to your face, leave you alone in your greatest time of need, and not even bat an eyelash.  I wish I had that kind of strength.

I haven't eaten anything at all today and don't feel a stitch hungry.  I am too depressed to feel hunger pain.  I notice my energy level is low and I'm incredibly dizzy and my eyesight fuzzy.  But I've stopped feeling hunger in my gut at this point.  It only attacks my senses.  I showered and got some work done and now have the rest of the day to face alone.  I am going to that appointment (alone of course) on Friday morning mostly out of curiosity.  I want to see what kind of a caseload I am and what level of care they recommend for me.  Regardless of their recommendation for either outpatient or inpatient, I know I will not follow through.  Not only am I not ready for such a committment to health, but I also don't have the time to invest.  I have a full-time career that is my current priority (in addition to losing weight) and can't willingly sacrifice that at present (unless they forcibly push me out the door with a leave of absence or fire me).  However, I think it will be good to at least have my vitals checked and see what their recommendation for me is.  I may still pursue therapy, although I question what the point of it all is at this stage of the game.  Yes, I care about myself and my family and my career and all the things in my life that should scream at me, "HEALTH."  But now that I don't have someone in my life to whom I'll have to see on a regular basis or to whom I feel the need to confide in, without someone visibly breathing over my shoulder at all times who is aware of my problem, I feel free to pursue it with increased vigor.  I'll have the empty hours I would have spent with him to work or sleep or exercise.  It doesn't matter if I'm wobbly on my feet on my spare time (it does matter at work) as no one will be there to get all pissy at me and expose me to food.  Plus, when I do see him again (I already know that I will talk to and see him again), I want to be noticeably smaller.  A silent guilt-trip of sorts.  I still can't believe he would have left me in my weak state when I need a friend the most.  I don't understand how someone could actually do that to another human being.  And maybe that's my problem, I always put other people before myself as a priority and sacrifice myself and my own well-being for that of others and are continually shocked that other people DON'T do that.  That THEY aren't that way.  My goal is to NOT contact him whatsoever, to invest myself into the throes of work, to begin therapy, and to lose more weight until I hear from him again.  At which point I will have to decide whether it's worth answering the phone.