Surprise!

     Woke up this Monday morning weighing in at 100.7 pounds on scale.  Did a circuit training DVD at 4am.  Tried on three different outfits before I settled on a high-waisted, knee length black pencil skirt with black heels and stockings, a black silk cami tucked in and patterned with retro, multi-colored squares, a black cardigan, my hair down and wavy and bobby-pinned on one side, and a pink bracelet to match the pink patterns on my shirt plus a watch.  Too bad I missed the memo it was dress-down day at work.  Boo.  I still looked cute!  A colleague of mine asked me the other day, "Have you recycled any clothes yet?"  Meaning, have I reworn something I'd previously worn before since returning to work.  Nope.  Did I mention I'm somewhat of a shopaholic and am obsessed with my appearance the more weight I lose?  Hey, what can I say, sometimes it's nice to treat yourself to a new outfit instead of food, especially once you've lost weight and need a new outfit to prove it.  Although I still thought my butt looked incredibly big in my skirt today.
     Settled on packing a lavash wrap with half a cup of fat free cottage cheese and half a cup of sliced cucumber, two diet sodas, and a sugar free jello for lunch.  Took three fat burners/diet pills this morning after my work out, made myself a cup of vanilla caramel tea (0 calories), and headed off to work.  Did I mention I absolutely love the Fall?  It is hands-down my favorite season.  I live for the Fall.  The foilage.  The crisp, burnt colors of Autumn.  The sharp air.  I even whipped my pea-coat out this morning!  I love stockings and the click-click-click sound of my heels against pavement.  I like fashionable scarves and Autumn coats.  I love the steam issuing forth from my coffee cup between my pinched fingers.  I love pumpkins and the flavors of Fall.  I love hayrides and scarecrows and scary movies and the blanket of eerie fog that settles over the highway on my way to work in the mornings.  I love Halloween (it's the only time it's acceptable to dig morbidness and death and pig out on candy...I mean who wouldn't?).  I love Thanksgiving and apple cider and stuffing and cranberry sauce and pie.  I love Jack-0-Lanterns and skeletons (of course).  I love maroon marigolds and candles.  I love fresh notebooks and new beginnings.  I can't explain it, but the Fall enriches my soul.
     Anyway, I had tea in the morning.  Then a couple hours later made myself a vanilla biscotti flavored black coffee with two splends (0 calories).  At lunch, only consumed half my wrap with a diet soda.  Come late afternoon, consumed the other half of my wrap and another diet soda which put me at around 188 calories.  Oh, did I mention that the first thing I saw when I walked into the staff lounge this morning was a GINORMOUS chocolate and strawberry birthday cake coated with chocolate frosting and those flat kind of sprinkles as well as a whole tub of chocolate chip muffins and cinammon buns?  Sigh.  I don't understand why the universe keeps testing me.  Either that or conspiring against me.  And I don't understand why people feel the need to share their fatty sugared covered temptations with others.  It's like people need the silent acknowledgement that other people are getting larger right along with them so they don't feel so bad or something.  I managed to go the entire day without even so much as a taste...even made it through lunch with the cake right in front of my face and everyone cutting themselves huge pieces and offering me some.  Even denied my colleague's offerings of sandwiches, plums, and snacks across the table.  I notice that come late afternoon and evening is the hardest for me.  Before I left work, I will admit, I loaded a napkin with a cinammon bun, chocolate chip muffin, and a slice of cake and crept into the bathroom where I chewed and spit out each item.  I felt kind of guilty about this and the ten pieces of cereal I ate last night during my fast day.  However, I immediately went to the gym after work where I did the stationary bike for 45 minutes and burned 300 calories and then walked on the treadmill (I was starting to get cramps and couldn't run) for 20 minutes and burned another 75.  I figured the 375 cancelled out the 188 calorie wrap I ate, any calories that may have got in from the chew/spit episode this afternoon, and the calories consumed due to the bites of dry cereal last night.  I also exercised this morning and burned calories throughout the day.  I also peed like a racehorse all goddamn day.  I don't know what it was!  Every five minutes I was running to the bathroom to urinate.  It's as if the laxatives finally hit me but in the opposite way.  It's as though I took diuretics or something.  It was great though because I felt like my body was flushing out so much water weight and sodium retention and was cleansing my system of built up toxins as my urine was pure and clear!
     When I came home from the gym (and urinated again!) I weighed in at....wait for it...98.7!!!  I am so fucking excited as I was expecting my weight loss to go wayyyy slower.  I'm still a tad nervous to trust it entirely.  However, I already plan on starting up on the fat burners again, continuining to drink lots and lots of fluids, and am going to repeat the meal plan I ate today again tomorrow (I sware those cottage cheese/cucumber wraps work wonders!).  Did I also mention I put the jello back in the fridge?  I feel like I've done really well today and have tried to keep my stress/anxiety levels to a minimum which I think has also helped with weight loss.  Although it's funny because I think my butt looks huge and I have a ring of fat around my midruff I didn't have a week ago.  Maybe it's just in my head, who knows?  I am aiming to be 95 pounds by the end of September.  That gives me two weeks.  If I can remain dilligent and do as good as I did today, I know I can get there!  I'm settling down on my couch with a delicious scented candle ablaze, a warm, decaf in my hands and a comfy set of pjs.  Ahhh...I'm actually feeling pretty good today (despite my sore throat!). 
     One more thing I thought I'd share today is that I definitely notice that my bulimia is triggered (not only by severe starvation to the point where it becomes unbearable and I MUST eat) but also by stress/anxiety.  Take Friday for instance.  I was already half-way home and had looked forward to attending the Greek festival all week.  Yet as soon as one thing went wrong (my credit card was declined and would not let me purchase gas.  I later learned the entire Visa company was offline and this had nothing to do with me personally although it was still pretty fucking embarrassing), I totally cracked and all I wanted to do was to get home and binge/purge.  It's like when everything is going wrong and the world around me is chaos, I binge and purge.  But when I try to remain calm and maintain a sense of control and order, I am much more aware and in control of my eating.  In fact, it feels kind of good to experience those beloved hunger pains and stabs of emptiness.  And it definitely feels good to 98.7 on scale!  Let's hope it'll keep on keeping up...and by that I mean going down!