Sunday's Shadow

Last night I weighed in at 105.5 after completing my three-day session of bingeing and purging...and bingeing.  This morning I weighed in at 101.8 after a night's sleep and expelling some of that binge with the help of my laxatives.  I took two more ex-lax's last night because the five dulcolax tablets I took Friday night weren't seeming to have much of an effect.  Therefore, I've gained around two pounds as a result of my weekend's binge fest (up from 99.5).  I am trying not to panic about this as I know that if I stick to my rules and new-laid plan, I will lose that weight within the week.  I find it is typically easy to lose weight gained due to bingeing over a short period of time.  Hopefully this rings true for me in this circumstance as well.  I've realized that I am just so sick of this cycle and that if I did not gain weight by bingeing and had to concentrate on losing the weight gained, then I wouldn't keep back tracking and would be making more progress.  Basically, I'm sick of bingeing.  I feel as though the food controls me when I do and that I am subject to something else's demands.  Anorexia makes me feel as though I am in control and have the power to resist and avoid food whereas the bingeing makes me feel like a prisoner with no control or strength.
     So far today I have had two cups of tea (0 calories).  I did not exercise today (nor did I Friday or Saturday) but figure I will start up again tomorrow and today will simply be my cleanse day.  I have been quite dizzy all day but think it is most likely a result of an electrolyte imbalance due to purging and the laxatives.  I am also very tired.  I will go to bed early tonight.  Tomorrow, I am going to only drink tea and/or black coffee until lunch where I will consume a low carb lavash wrap with half a cup of fat free cottage cheese and cucumber slices.  It may be a smart idea for me to eat half at lunch and save the other half for later.  I am also allowed a sugar free jello.  That will equate to three hundred calories.  I am going to do a circuit training DVD tomorrow morning and go to the gym after work to fit in some cardio (I figure the bike allows me to sit down while still manages to make me sweat, is a great work out for my thighs, and burns around 300 calories for 60 minutes worth). 
     I forced myself to shower and shave today and pluck my eyebrows and get a manicure and buy some styling spray for my hair so I don't look like such a wreck when I return to work tomorrow.  I'm considering cutting my hair but it's so long and I've spent so long growing it out that the thought makes me a little sad.  I think I'll work with it for now and maybe get it styled soon, add some layers or trim up my side bang.  I notice that I invest much more consideration into my overall appearance such as clothes/outfits, hair, nails, etc. when I go out or go to work.  Even though I apparently still manage to look like a haggard, worn heap of a mess.  It's like this disease makes me paranoid about appearing ugly or fat and so I try to choose outfits that will flatter my figure.  It especially makes you more paranoid when you know that people are "watching" you 24/7.  It makes you want to actually give them a reason to stare, as I feel like my face looks so bloated from bingeing and I just feel huge.  It's been nice to feel somewhat empty and dizzy today, like I'm gaining some control back and am purifying myself after my disgusting bout of bulimia.  Anorexia is difficult and it takes time to work yourself into the frenzy the disease demands, but I have to remind myself how hard I've worked and how far I've come and how close I am and not give in to the temptations of the flesh.  I hope to be about 95 by the end of October if I can manage to truly go the rest of this month and next keeping to my strict diet plan.  It is my immediate goal to be back where I was before my binge (99.5) by the end of this week.  I am trying to give myself manageable goals so I don't get discouraged and binge.  If I do better than that, great!  But if I don't...I'm going to start panicking.  Oh my Sunday shadow...my worry and my wish.